Hi.
Today not so good. Managed the Co-Op with my Dad, but coming back had the usual shit with handwashing. Just goes on and on. Trying to follow my goals ie wash ONCE really well and then LEAVE IT.
I'm on 60mg paroxetine (generic name for SEroxat) /day. If anyone's suffering with OCD, this is the recommended dose - I spent years on less and it is definately better on a higher dose. Went quite quickly up from 30mg/day to 60mg and I felt as if something was happening at last - or maybe it was the idea that someone was trying to help me. I don't know. But seeing as it's getting a bit worse at the moment I'm going to ask the doctor when I see him next about possibility of something else.
Try to take tablets in the morning then drink a bit in the evening to shut the ocd down - sometimes makes it worse but most of the time there is so much shit in my head by night-time the red wine has some dulling effect on the not-too-bad compulsions.
So.
Friday 6 July 2007
Thursday 5 July 2007
Post ocd-day recovery
Hi
Feeling better today. Although I finished the ritual last night - and technically gave in - I'm back to trying to manage it today. Have successfully resisted urges to keep washing, by reminding myself how horrible yesterday was.
I usually feel a bit numbed after a long session like yesterday - as if shocked by what my mind can make me do. I'm trying to disrupt any symmetry compulsions by deliberately disobeying what the ocd wants me to do - eg if move hair to one side of my face, instead of doing the other side in the same way, I did the same side twice (and continued).
Handwashing reduced after coming in from outside. Here's to a good night.
Feeling better today. Although I finished the ritual last night - and technically gave in - I'm back to trying to manage it today. Have successfully resisted urges to keep washing, by reminding myself how horrible yesterday was.
I usually feel a bit numbed after a long session like yesterday - as if shocked by what my mind can make me do. I'm trying to disrupt any symmetry compulsions by deliberately disobeying what the ocd wants me to do - eg if move hair to one side of my face, instead of doing the other side in the same way, I did the same side twice (and continued).
Handwashing reduced after coming in from outside. Here's to a good night.
Wednesday 4 July 2007
In an attempt to distract from ocd
Hello.
Having a bad day which is why I've started this.
Have finished 19 rituals of various inanity/insanity (stroking bed side, walking up and down room, circling, stamping feet) today, on the 20th and so tired, having a break. In an attempt to distract from ritual. But I will do it tonight. I am too far down the road.
The current part is this startlingly intellectual routine: starting in my bedroom down and up stairs, open and close my bedroom doors, up and down again, close doors plus 1 each time starting from 3 so 9 x down and up, each time into bedroom, close and open doors 3x then after 9 x, each one add one extra open and close doors....ocders will know what I mean. if I make a mistake it triples. But why leave it now after all day spent, and me on the 19th hole? How can I leave it. it is the only thing that matters to me now, strangling everything else.
In an attempt to stop myself completing the ritual, I'm thinking of various platitudes eg, justify my thoughts (yes the compulsion is pointless, and yes no good will come from it, but at this stage it actually seems justifiable to do this, just to finish , to feel good again, to feel like ME), ...and I can't think of any reason NOT to do this routine, except because of this ocd shit and probably shit personality too, I still live with my parent s and they are right next to my bedroom door and it will drive them crazy if I bang up and down alll night.
I hope I find a way out of this tonight into the blessed post-ocd high. Symmetry compulsions bad at moment but at least the only thing about having a day long hell like today is that the usual complulsions I have like washing hands when come in' go to toilet etc the ones that drain your life away are chased away by the intensity of the big one that grows and fucking grows like someparasite worm all day inside your head. Damn damn damn. If anyone reads this and is at the start of some compulsion please don't give in. FIGHT. Fight. Because it is easier to stub it out right at the start of it, than ten hours in. I know that and that is how I manage most days. Dont let it get a hold. Wish I could go back to this morning and stop the bloody symmetry compulsion that started all this because I might have actually been able to live today if I had. So knock it out now. Yeah listen to me talking, bloody hell, but I do try. that's all we can do.
Having a bad day which is why I've started this.
Have finished 19 rituals of various inanity/insanity (stroking bed side, walking up and down room, circling, stamping feet) today, on the 20th and so tired, having a break. In an attempt to distract from ritual. But I will do it tonight. I am too far down the road.
The current part is this startlingly intellectual routine: starting in my bedroom down and up stairs, open and close my bedroom doors, up and down again, close doors plus 1 each time starting from 3 so 9 x down and up, each time into bedroom, close and open doors 3x then after 9 x, each one add one extra open and close doors....ocders will know what I mean. if I make a mistake it triples. But why leave it now after all day spent, and me on the 19th hole? How can I leave it. it is the only thing that matters to me now, strangling everything else.
In an attempt to stop myself completing the ritual, I'm thinking of various platitudes eg, justify my thoughts (yes the compulsion is pointless, and yes no good will come from it, but at this stage it actually seems justifiable to do this, just to finish , to feel good again, to feel like ME), ...and I can't think of any reason NOT to do this routine, except because of this ocd shit and probably shit personality too, I still live with my parent s and they are right next to my bedroom door and it will drive them crazy if I bang up and down alll night.
I hope I find a way out of this tonight into the blessed post-ocd high. Symmetry compulsions bad at moment but at least the only thing about having a day long hell like today is that the usual complulsions I have like washing hands when come in' go to toilet etc the ones that drain your life away are chased away by the intensity of the big one that grows and fucking grows like someparasite worm all day inside your head. Damn damn damn. If anyone reads this and is at the start of some compulsion please don't give in. FIGHT. Fight. Because it is easier to stub it out right at the start of it, than ten hours in. I know that and that is how I manage most days. Dont let it get a hold. Wish I could go back to this morning and stop the bloody symmetry compulsion that started all this because I might have actually been able to live today if I had. So knock it out now. Yeah listen to me talking, bloody hell, but I do try. that's all we can do.
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